Let's Get Personal: About My Abuse

25 Apr 2016

UK plus size fashion blogger AmandaApparel opens up about being abused. Content warnings for this post include: sexual abuse, rape, and kidnapping. 

What happened


This is not something I thought I would ever write about. I share so much about my size, depression, psoriasis, etc. that I thought it would be good for me (and for anyone else with a similar experience) to open up. 


A few years ago I was kidnapped from a pub where I used to attend a local open mic night. I say kidnapped because although I wasn’t drunk, I was taken against my will. A man nearly twice my age took me to a hotel. What happened there, I thought would never happen to me. I thought it only happened on TV, in the movies, or to other people. I was held against my will and abused for two days. My phone was dead so I had no way to contact anyone, not that I would have because he threatened to hurt me if I tried to leave or phone for help. 


You think you know how you would react in a traumatic situation. I wanted to run. I wanted to scream. I wanted to fight. But I was powerless. Now let’s address all the stereotypical victim blaming B.S. out of the way, shall we? 


“What was she wearing? Was she asking for it by dressing provocatively?” 


I was wearing a blouse, skirt, tights, and a jacket. Same thing I would usually wear. 


“Had she been drinking? She shouldn’t have put herself in that position.”


I had only had two beers over the course of the night. So as I said before, I was nowhere near drunk. 


“Did she go to the police? She wasn’t really raped if she didn’t report it.”


No. I didn’t. I had no bruises or injuries. I binned the clothes immediately. I took a shower as soon as I got home. I felt that I had no proof. On top of it, the statistics of reported and convicted rates is enough to put anyone off reporting. 


Why I have to share this


So why now? Why should I share all of this years after it happened? For starters, because I’m sick of lying. I lied about this to EVERYONE. My family, my friends, even my husband until a couple of months ago. I was being torn apart by shame and guilt for the longest time, but I’m not going to live like that anymore. 


Who I am now


I’m not the same person that I was back then. I’ve learned so much and have come so far in my recovery. However, if I keep my story to myself I know I’ll never truly be able to move on. 


• I know that what happened to me was NOT my fault. 

• I know that my trauma does NOT define me. 

• I know that I am NOT weak and helpless. 

• I know that I am NOT alone in this.


By sharing this story, I hope to let other survivors know that they aren’t alone as well. I hope to one day be as open about this part of myself as I am about being plus-size, having depression, etc. I’m excited to share that I’ve FINALLY been booked in for counselling to work through this trauma with a professional. If anyone ever wants to speak about something like this, PLEASE don’t hesitate to get in touch. I want to help support other survivors as much as possible.


I want to thank you all for reading this and for all of your support with my blog, and thank you for making me feel safe enough to open up about such a serious topic.


More personal posts here!


Previous personal post: The Body Confidence Revolution



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hiya! i'm amanda!

Plus size style and fat positive blogger. Born in Kansas City. Matured in Edinburgh Scotland. Feminist killjoy, Instagram fanatic, and avid user of the sparkle emoji. Expect outfit posts, fat activism,
and intersectional feminism.
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